Neanderthals were probably the first to domesticate farm animals – livestock (mammoths?), geese, dogs, horses, etc. Melons were around earlier, but one gets the feeling they either telepathically commanded the animals or concentrated on two legged varieties.
In the Neanderthal founding parable, the story of Cain and Abel, Abel was the herder whose sacrifice is pleasing to God.
The lesson here is – eat a herder’s diet to attain spiritual purity. And sure enough, Cain’s agricultural and industrial diet and filthy crowded cities have gutted the physical, moral and spiritual character of the West.
One of the most important elements of a paleolithic diet is fermented food. For a variety of reasons, modern people tend to have compromised biomes. Live fermented food restores this essential symbiotic balance.
Fermented food is supposed to be the opposite of sterile. You will find many finicky how-to’s on the Internet, apparently co-authored by the Prophylactic Pup and the Fumigated Band. Not here. This is the down and dirty guide. The filthier, the better!
Required ingredients:
One milking mammoth…
I kid. But seriously, think about unpasteurized milk fresh from the udder. It’s warm, it’s seeded with bacteria (ahem, cow shit), and it gets you through those cold winter nights. It’s also not homogenized. Homogenization reduces the fat particle size of the milk, but when those particles become unnaturally small they can cause digestive issues by permeating membranes they aren’t supposed to.
So. Source your milk as naturally as possible. Goat’s milk is safer than cow’s milk. Grass fed is better than grain fed. Etc.
OKAY! Let’s try again with that ingredient list. According to the InterNanny, here’s what you need:
1 Half gallon of milk
2-3 Tbs of plain yogurt (as a starter)
1 8-10 Qt stock pot
1 4-5 Qt pot with lid
1 Metal or plastic spoon
1 Dial thermometer with clip
1 Heating pad
And/or
1 quart (946 mL) milk (any kind but if you use “ultra-high pasteurized” or “UHP” or “UHT” then you can skip step one, as the milk has already been heated to this temperature before the pack was sealed)
1/4 to 1/2 cup non-fat dry milk (optional)
1 tablespoons white sugar to feed the bacteria
pinch salt (optional)
2 tablespoons existing yogurt with live cultures (or you can use freeze-dried bacteria instead)
What a bunch of oversupplied sissies.
Sure, you can make yoghurt with machines – if you want perfect, creamy, store-looking yoghurt. But if you’re just looking to slam some healthy calories, why bother with all the fuss of prepping, checking and cleaning those little containers?
Here’s my minimalist ingredient list:
1 gallon of milk. Smaller quantities are a waste of time.
1 big pot (preferably with a lid).
1 stove or microwave or hot thing (optional but drastically speeds process)
1 blender (optional but faster)
1 refrigerator (optional, helps it set)
1 yoghurt starter. Could be yoghurt, or yoghurt culture powder, or a probiotic pill, or (best of all) kefir grains. (Note – slightly different process applies for kefir. For now, stick with yoghurt to get started.)
That’s it. No salt, no sugar, no measurements, no thermometers, no special equipment.
Here’s what you do:
1. Optional – Heat milk in pot until hot but not boiling. (Speed and thickness)
2. Optional – Add some of the hot milk to the blender. Add the starter. Blend. (Speed)
3. Add starter to pot. Stir.
4. Wait 3-12 hours, depending.
5. Check with finger or spoon until it either turns into a gel or separates into yellow fluid and white solid.
6. If after 16 hours it hasn’t turned, the starter was dead.
7. Optional – When done, stick it in the fridge. (Thicker, firmer)
I rarely have the patience to refrigerate my yoghurt. Drink it warm for maximum effect.
Fermentation can take a long time if it’s cold, poorly stirred, and has a weak starter. It all depends on how lazy vs. hungry you are. And your available free space and free pots.
When making your second batch, you can just dump the leftover yoghurt in the blender for your starter. Then heat some new milk in the same pot, without washing it. I heat the pot on the stove on high, so on the second batch the bottom residue starts to burn. This is no big deal since it doesn’t get into the part you eat.
The great advantage of quick ‘n dirty yoghurt is that you can produce a large quantity of yoghurt with minimal effort and very few screwups. Other methods are finicky, labor intensive, annoying, and leave you hungry. This one produces enough yoghurt to never drink water again.
What to do if you screw something up:
If your yoghurt has separated into yellow clearish liquid and a white gel solid:
This often happens. Yoghurt needs to set into a gel. Uneven cooling in a large pot, or stirring, or reheating, can separate the lighter and heavier components.
Ignore how it looks. Taste it. Is it yummy? Then chow down.
If the solid has become cottage cheesey and dry, put even amounts of solid and liquid into the blender. This will recombine the separated components into palatable yoghurt. It will be liquid, since you destroyed the gel bonds.
Not hungry? Just leave it out on the stove. I have never once had a batch of yoghurt go bad. The lactobacilli have too much of a head start to allow anything else to colonize. If in doubt, sniff test. But you would have to seriously screw something up.
Step 8: Laugh at all the people using 5 pieces of equipment to cook a tiny batch of yoghurt in 20 obnoxiously error-prone steps. Go through 1-2 gallons of milk per day. Wake up to pee three times a night. Most importantly, treat yoghurt like the cheap low-self-esteem abuse-craving slut that she is.
Then upgrade to kefir and put a ring on it 
No affiliate links were farmed during the making of this post. Get some yoghurt bitches.
